Last updated by Chrome Oxide on 12/02/2025
Under the pen name of Chrome Oxide I write humorous science fiction and fantasy. However, I've been accused of writing murder mysteries since I murder the English language and it's a mystery how I get published.
When people ask why I write what I do, I explain that my reality check bounced.
As authors we write what we know, so writing science fiction makes me a space cadet.
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Tuesday Funny - 12/02/2025 - I'm working on a Popeye fan fiction story about Olive Oyl's nasty sister, Crewed Oyl. I'm having a gas.
Tuesday Funny
Some writers say that good writers write every day.
While I don't write every day, I do think about writing every day.
Not all of my ideas are worthy of being developed into longer pieces.
Some work fine in a very short form.
This is a years-to-date collection of all my Tuesday Funnys.
- Chrome Oxide
OLDER Tuesday Funnies
My writing group said I needed to add subtext to my writing. I don't understand why they got upset when I wrote a scene in a submarine.
In cases of morality, stoners always take the high road.
The early bird gets the worm. The mezcal drinker enjoyes it more.
I'm working on a story featuring a loan shark named Bill King.
The writing prompt was "High Seas" and everyone got upset when I wrote about a stoner shoplifting, "high seize."
I'm working on a medieval fantasy about a sanitation sweeper who gets pissed every time a pegasus goes overhead.
I'm working on a story about mad scientist who was stalled in his experiments until he glanced at his feline companion and realized he needed a new catalyst.
I recently attended a seance to speak with William Shakespeare because I needed a ghost writer.
I'm working on a medieval fantasy about a sanitation worker who gets pissed every time a pegasus goes overhead.
I'm working on a story about an assassin who gets terminated because he wasn't up to snuff.
The main character in my current story was invited to bring a significant other to a party. Instead, he went alone so he could be in a room full of insignificant others.
I'm working on a story about a group of underachieving dwarves who hang out at a tavern called the Low Bar.
My regular exercise routine is walking and talking with a friend. Does that make me a walkie talkie?
Recent alien visitors to earth with a fondness for Larry Niven and humor, and a disgust with human foolishness, named their translator "speaker to morons."
Our group writing prompt was "head shot" How was I supposed to know they wanted stories about photographers and not snipers?
In my newest story, the vampire Vlad, is killing his victims with Vladery.
The main character in my current story used to work with go-go dancers. When he realized that his entire security force were women, he called them his no-go dancers.
The writing prompt was a small crime. Nobody was amused when I wrote about a "child hood."
Based on my recent FaceBook Female Friend requests and conversations, I'm considering writing "Sun Battles: The Clone Whores."
My current work in progress is about a serial killer who preys on women because he likes their "Dear in the headlights" expression.
I'm working on a horror story featuring the fright man for the fright job.
My writing group is easily annoyed. They told me I needed to "touch grass." I laughed since I don't know how you can roll a joint without touching grass.
My writing group said my current work was short on plot, so I changed the location to a cemetery.
The writing prompt was ahead. Nobody was amused when I wrote about "a head", a stoner.
The most lasting way to cement a relationship is with concrete overshoes and a river.
Does a werewolf taking his litter out for a walk qualify as taking out the trash?
Old school gamers will appreciate that when I hang out with Dave and Doug I call them D'n'D.
Web form relationship check boxes are too limiting. I need: Short term email with Nigerian male pretending to be American female.
I was at an event recently when I suggested there was no need to stand on ceremony when we could sit in chairs.
People complained that my most recent work wasn't elevated enough, so I changed the setting to outer space.
Older pop music fans might find this funny. The Ender's Game sequel could have been called "Return To (S)Ender."
Because of the kind of stories I write, I believe where there's a weird, there's a way.
People complained that my most recent work wasn't light enough, so I set the main character on fire.
I'm not a horror writer (although some describe my process as horrible), I describe my process as grinding out the bones of the story and playing with the guts later.
Romance writers talk about the "meet cute" event. I'm writing a fantasy novel where one character isn't cute, so I'm calling it "meet ugly."
The writing group prompt was "Forever War," so I wrote about a warlock.
I overheard a conversation about betrayal and remembered I needed to behiking.
I need to speak slower. I was talking about James Bond and the Bond age, but people thought I said bondage.
I was disappointed after watching Leave It To Beaver. I assumed any family named Cleaver used some kind of knives for their killing sprees.
I was given a GoPro to shoot video. When I returned everyone exclaimed it looked like a GoAmateur.
Writers live on coffee. Whenever I drink my 20 ounces of coffee it keeps me going in more ways that one.
I'm working on a story about an alien that comes to earth to feast on the free range motor vehicles. I'm calling it carnivore.
Whenever I lose my way, I think deep thoughts. I call this lost and profound.
I'm working on a story about a crazy killer. I'm calling it psycho-logical.
My current story is about an electrocution.
Our writing group prompt was cargo, so I ended my story with carstop.
Did you hear about the criminal who hid in a car wash because he wanted to make a clean getaway?
I recently had surgery on one of my ears. I'm going to a New Years Eve rock concert. This qualifies as ringing in the new ear.
I'm working on a story about a man who falls in love with a statue. I'm calling it Romancing The Stone.
Three of the six members of my writing group think I have some talent, and that's not half bad.
I suggested the horror writer in our group is good because he loves craft.
Our Star Wars discussion stopped dead when I suggested they needed to ewok before they erun.
Did you hear about the assassin who only killed divorced men or women? He calls himself the ex-terminator.
My writng group is upset at me again after I suggested that if there are halflings there should be quarterlings and dingalings.
Did you hear about the perfume maker who kept making horrible smells, but had no common scents?
I'm working on a story about a man who goes to clothing optional beaches to feel renude.
People say I have a deadpan sense of humor. I disagree. I've never harmed any kitchen utensils.
My current WIP is a story about a cannibal chef and I'm calling it A Slice Of Life.
If historical stories that feature advanced technology are steam punk, then if the story also features romance that makes it steamy punk.
If a computer hacker on Star Trek Next Generation steals information from the psychotronic brain of their science officer, is that a data dump?
My brother just came back from Chicago and all I got was a cold.
If you can't get high on life, drugs are a good substitute.
My most recent rejection explained they were looking for horror stories, not horrible stories.
I'm accused of creating wooden antagonists, I prefer to call a robot villain a tin foil.
I like Peter Pan because I like a story with a hook.
I've been told my new story is a romance because when two robots collide they see sparks.
I've been told all my stories sound like they were bounced off an irony board.
My writers group didn't like when I suggested a group of waterlogged and seaweed covered zombies could be called gangrene.
My group writing was surprised when the prompt was a killer bat, and I wrote about a haunted baseball bat.
I'm working on a story about a slasher holding victims prisoner in a meat locker and calling it Cold Cuts.
I'm always willing to hang around for gallows humor.
I misheard the writing prompt, and wrote about a playboy when I should have written about a priest, a pray boy.
Readers of my horror fiction complain that they all bleed together.
My writing group got upset when instead or writing about an orchid. I wrote about a young orc, an orc kid.
Being a writer requires the pen meet the paper, the keys meet the ribbon, or the fingers meet the keyboard.
I was confused to find out my story about thugs who smash a car into a wall causing the radiator to leak steam isn't a steam punk story.
If you are using too many buts in your writing, then maybe you should try writing romance or erotica.
My publisher is waiting for the right time to release my book, but hell hasn't frozen over yet.
I've started working on a story about Alzheimer's, but I keep forgetting the title.
The current novel I'm working on is about a group of young musicians in a medieval fantasy world. They're not your typical bard band.
I'd like to see Arnold Schwarzenegger audition for a movie about composers where he says "I'll Be Bach."
Did you hear about the stripper who couldn't earn a living? She only took 25% off.
I don't understand why the fantasy writers in my group grew upset when I described a wizards duel as a game of chants.
I'm working on a horror story about a farmer who is so upset at people watching him work that he kills and plants the spec-taters.
My group grew upset when I misheard the writing prompt of "idol worship" and wrote about a lazy individual, because idle worship.
I'm working on a story about two people who hate each other and are threatened by a fire. Sparks will fly.
Our group's most recent writing prompt was propane, but I wrote about a torturer because I though they said pro pain,.
I alternate between writers block where nothing comes out and writers period where I bleed words all over the page.
The other day I was seated near Neil Smith and Neil Jones. They were upset when I later mentioned the kneel before me meeting.
My writing group suggested I need a writing course. I replied that I already know about writing coarse.
I'm working on a story about a man who eats beans and calls himself a lean, mean, methane machine.
At my writing group I misheard the writing prompt of "fan fiction" and wrote about a magical fan.
At my writing group I misheard the writing prompt of "morning people" and wrote about mourning people.
I was watching "Escape From New York" and realized the Borg from Star Trek TNG were already there. The cabby was played by Borg-Nine.
At my writing group I misheard the writing prompt of "offender" and wrote about a Fender guitar.
I'm working on a story about a librarian who finds the Necronomicon and decides the book is bad to the binding.
The writing prompt was for a crossover story, so I wrote about an athiest vampire.
My writing group got upset at me because when they asked for a crossover story I wrote about a fearless vampire killer.
The writing prompt was for a period piece, so I wrote a story about a female werewolf at that time of the month.
I'm working on a story that takes place in an English bank and I need to pound on it until it starts making pence.
My writing group project was supposed to be supernatural, but I mystic by a mile.
My writing group calls me Dudley Do-Write because I always get my word count.
People at the party got upset after I accidentally knocked the marijuana into our bonfire and called it a pot roast.
I'm working on a story about a statistician who volunteers to be interviewed by a reporter to find out they want a meth head, not a math head.
I was standing in a field of wind turbines when an airplane flying overhead emptied its toilets. That gives new meaning to "when the shit hits the fans,"
I'm working on a story about a man who smokes a joint before taking an aptitude test because he wants a high IQ.
I don't know why my literary writing group got upset when they requested I write about an orchestra and I wrote about a troop of orcs.
I don't understand why I have so much trouble selling stories. When I heard that cozy mysteries were popular, I wrote a cozy serial killer story.
I'm working on a story about a prison warden who uses a trick rope that always breaks when he hangs a prisoner. I'm calling it Gallows Humor.
The man strapped to the electric chair chuckled when the lights in the building went out. "Your concept may be sound, but your execution is flawed."
Writers think of their stories as their children. Because of my lack of sales I think of them as stillborn.
Have you considered that published short story writers have issues?
I'm working on a story about a writer who goes to prison. I'm calling it "Prose and Cons."
I'm working on a western story I'm calling "Spur Of The Moment."
I'm working on a story about a religious person who falls from grace. My writing group says it's very sinematic.
I'm working on a werewolf story and I'm calling it Maul In The Family.
A member of my writing group always mentions food in every story so I observed he must "write hungry and edit stuffed."
In my newest story, after the detective interviews all the murder suspects he concludes the chef is only capable of killing an appetite.
I'm so deaf, I misheard the song "Reeling In The Year's" as ringing in the ears.
My critique group claims I write like I'm off the clock and off my rocker.
I'm working on a story about a priest who commits mass murder by trying to lead the service while he has laryngitis.
I'm working on a story about scientist with cross training in biology and math, I'm calling it algae-bra.
A character in my newest story likes going to church to listen to sermons. He calls it getting pastorized.
Did you hear about the upset writer who threw the movie executive down an open elevator shaft and then shouted, "how do you like my elevator pitch?"
I tried working with a graphic designer on a self-published book but had to give up when he wouldn't address the eleFont in the room.
I'm working on a story about a human male abducted by a radioactive female alien. I'm calling it a "hot romance."
I recently watched The Toxic Avenger" and was tromatized.
I'm writing a story about a wizard who was smoking ... after an encounter with a fire breathing dragon.
Do wizards converse using an aethernet connection?
I was baffled recently when I overheard a couple of physicists talking about relationships. At first I thought they were talking about "string theory," but it turned out they were talking about "stringing someone along theory."
I'm working on a story about a man recently released from prison. I'm calling it "Out Of Lock."
I'm working on a story about a person who reads algebra and calculus book for pleasure, I'm calling it "Confessions Of A Math Head."
Members of my writing group have told me there is no one correct way to write, but they keep complaining that I'm very good at discovering the wrong way to write.
I don't know why my friend got upset when I asked if her engagement ring was the one ring to rule them all.
I'm working on a fantasy story about a medieval armorer who calls his shop, Hard Wear.
I've started a new story about an unusual were creature. My critique group tells me I were it well.
At my writing group I misheard the writing prompt of "carpe diem" and wrote about a carpet demon.
If a writer is a person who writes, then I'm a righter.
My newest story is about a man considering a life of crime. I'm calling it likely hood.
I'm such a bad writer, my prologues look more like amateur logs.
My writing group isn't happy with me. They think my prequel feels more like NyQuil.
I started writing a fan fic about Bullwinkle. I got off to a rocky start so I stopped rather than moose it up.
As a writer, I like to fill plot holes with dead characters.
I'm working on a story about a dwarf vampire killer who realizes this is a case of high stakes.
One of the members of our writing group lacks confidence, so we beat him into submitting.
I don't know why my writing group keeps getting annoyed at me. They said I need to stop writing bad endings, but I like killing off my main characters.
I don't know why my writing group keeps getting annoyed at me.
When they said I needed a stronger execution, I added a blindfold and firing squad to my story.
I don't know why my writing group keeps getting annoyed at me. When they told me I needed a new spin, I placed my characters on an orbital platform.
I don't know why my writing group keeps getting annoyed at me. They told me that "Hope Remains" is not the same as "The Remains Of Hope."
As writers, we need to know our audience. My horror stories are intended for residents of cemeteries.
I was talking with a scriptwriter and he didn't believe me when I said I was a reel writer too.
I don't know why my writing group keeps getting annoyed at me. All I did was ask if Pinocchio was considered a wooden character.
My writing group told me I needed a more universal story, so I added the Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, Mummy, and as many other Universal characters as I could remember.
The romance writer in our group was concerned about reading her newest chapter, so I told her it was okay to go full steamy ahead.
Many writers are told they need to flesh out their stories. I'm usually told to flush my stories.
I'm working on a story about a Terminator that was damaged while time traveling and ends up killing insects instead of humans. I'm calling it ex-terminator.
I'm working on a story about an ancient robot who is as old as the hills and twice as rusty.
Has anybody considered that Led Zeppelin was a Plant based life form? If you don't undertand, this, ask someone who loves science fiction and music.
When an inner demon prevents you from writing, sacrifice your inner child.
When people ask me how I deal with the inner demon that stops me from writing, I tell them I sacrifice my inner child.
When I misheard people talking about a data depository I thought they said data suppository so I wrote a story about a smartass.
Some people write a tour de force story, because I write humor, everything comes out tour de farce.
When writing a vampire story, one always needs more stakes.
I don't know why my writing group keeps getting annoyed at me. All I did was add a vampire when they said I needed more stakes.
As a music fan I sometimes I write about stereotypical characters, while other times I write about monotypical characters.
When writing a horrror story, one needs their heart in the right place, although sometimes it needs to be removed and massaged.
When I write my heart is in the right place, but sometimes I need to remove and massage it.
I didn't realize the space pirates in my newest story were real perverts until I wrote about the Deck A Dance.
A spoonful of humor helps the tales go down.
I'm working on a story about Artie who panics when under pressure. I'm calling it Artie Chokes.
I recently broke my funny bone. It's no laughing matter.
Why did the satirist cross the line? To get to the other snide.
I've been told I have a cents of humor. If I had a dollars of humor I might be successful.
Explaining that it's all in the execution doesn't make death row inmates any happier.
I'm writing a story about boxing and I'm concerned I don't have a good punch line.
Did you hear about the criminal who was being hung and had reached the end of his rope?
I'm working on a story about a werewolf with indigestion. I'm calling it "irritable howl syndrome."
I'm working on a story about a criminal who likes practical jokes. I'm calling it "crime and pun-ishment."
When someone I hadn't seen in a while mentioned he missed me, I suggested he spend more time at the shooting range.
Wandering into a bookstore, I noticed a stack of true crime novels in alphabetical order near the front. That was a sorted sordid entrance.
Our writing group reads our work out loud. If the work hasn't been sufficiently edited, the proof read becomes a goof reader.
If a writer needs to start their story with a hook, a horror writer needs to start a story with a meat hook.
Writers are told to start a stories with a hook. Our group's horror writer uses meat hooks.
The difference between surrealism and magic realism is that sir-realism is beknighted.
When we critique at our writers group I get wreckognition for my efforts.
Suspense story writers needs to walk a fine line. Horror writers need to strangle with their line.
In our critique group, one writer is always trying to walk a fine line, while another is trying to strangle someone with it.
The horror writer in our group thought my recent story sucked like a vampire with a pair of broken fangs.
My newest story is about a planet colonized by alcoholics. I'm calling it, "More Bars In More Places."
My most recent story features a decapitated student, I'm calling it Head Of The Class.
I'm working on a story about a mad scientist school where the most promising student get decapitated. I'm calling it "Head Of The Class."
I'm working on a horror story about a pair of detectives hunting a chainsaw killer. When one is killed and dismembered, the other is left to piece together the crime.
My most recent story features a pair of detectives hunting a chainsaw killer. When one is killed, the other is left to piece together the crime.
My most recent story features a pair of detectives hunting a chainsaw killer. When one is killed, the other is left to pick up the pieces.
I woke up this morning to see a dog chewing on the new tires of my car. I hope he gets better mileage out of them than I am.
I'm currently working on a novel about a cosmic whorer, a person who has sex with aliens.
I spoke with an artist about his preferred tool when making a quick sketch. As a writer, I prefer a gun for a fast draw.
How do you hook your reading audience? I find addictive drugs work best.
In my new story there are two kinds of attorneys. Exclusive trial attorneys are called boxers. For my protagonist I can't decide between boxers or briefs.
My most recent story features a vampire advertising for a minion by stating this would be "a fiend with benefits" relationship.
If it takes a million monkeys typing for a billion years to recreate Shakespeare's works, an attorney client told me it takes far fewer monkeys and much less time to create a lawsuit.
One of the writers in our critique group is so bad at punctuation that we are calling him a comma kaze writer.
I'm working on a story where promotions are called knocks, and the female protagonist keeps getting knocked up.
My most recent story features an animal deactivist who leaves dead cats by the side of the road. I'm callining it "Kitty Litter."
I'm working on a story about an animal deactivist who leaves dead cats by the side of the road. I'm callining it "Kitty Litter."
I'm working on a new story and Jacque N. LeBox keeps popping up everywhere.
I'm working on a story about an assassin. I'm calling it Burial Earn.
I found a travel plan that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, however, I left my heart in Helsinki, my liver in London, and my spleen. in Spain.
Have you ever considered that a successful serial killer has a number of near death experiences?
I write in many genres, so I plan on writing a science fiction story ... in the future.
Every time I see leftovers wrapped up in that silvery stuff, all I can think is "Curses, foiled again."
I wrote a story about a nudist accidentally sitting on a bee hive. His honeyed moons cause him no end of problems.
The other day a man in a tench coat wiped it open and shouted, "This is my Gender Reveal Party." It was over in a flash.
My newest story is about a race of intelligent lizards and I can't decide whether to call it the "Scales Of Justice" or "Tipping The Scales."
My newest story is about a hippie trying to solve a crime while on a trip. I call it "Murder On The DisOriented Express."
After a long strange trip where I lost my mind, nobody could help me at the lost and found.
At a conference panel on alternate power for spacecraft they mentioned Thorium, but not Lokium.
I wrote a story set in a clothing optional zone ... and the female protagonist goes down with the slip.
My critique group told me I had so many "buts" in my work I should try writing romance or erotica.
I was embarassed recently. After working on a WWII historical piece I joined a discussion of MG Fantasy and found out it was Middle Grade not Machine Gun Fantasy.
Did you hear how the government caused a zombie outbreak by sending stimulus checks to dead taxpayers?
I thought I was writing the hero's journey, until my main character turned, ran away, and left me with the zero's journey.
Did you hear about the bailiff that sent out party invitations to all the individuals that ignored their summons or jumped bail? He called it a guilty party.
I feel so silly. I sent my latest murder mystery story to a dead site.
After a long day of combat, the orc leader congratulated his troops for their excellent elf defense.
The internet connection for my online class was so bad I became a school drop out.
A writer boils down everyone he meets to use as archetypeds in his stories. A horror writer boils everyone to to use in soup stock.
A horror writer in our group said he boiled all the members down to our archetypes to use in his stories. I commented that when I'm boiled down I make a good soup stock.
As a pantser I thought I was writing a thriller, until my warrior turned into a worrier.
In my new book, the dominant race are intelligent dinosaurs instead of humans, However they have many of the same problems. My main character enforces the drug laws. I'm calling this book "Jurassic Narc."
When someone recently accused me of being a werewolf, the hair on my palms stood up.
If a good story is supposed to start with a bang, why did my agent get upset that I started with a sex scene?
If Johann Sebastian Bach had been an inventor rather than a composer, the movie of his life would be "Bach To The Future."
The way to create compelling characters is in the execution. That's why I kill my darlings.
Mashup stories are popular so I've started working on Jane Austin Powers.
When a couple in a heated relationship break up and then get back together does, that make the relationship reheated?
One way to prevent curse words from overwhelming your work is with a vowel movement.
I encountered Sean Connery's ghost recently. I was shaken, but not stirred.
When a demolition expert's bomb fails to explode does he refuse?
When asked if a recent story was inspired by current events, I replied, "that thought never doublecrossed my mind."
I had chemistry with my last girlfriend. We ran a meth lab together.
Forewarned is forearmed, Unless you are on Edgar Rice Burroughs Mars in which case forewarned is fourarmed.
A snitch in time solves crimes.
The next time someone asks if I want a break, I can now answer "No thanks. I just had a broken wrist."
If Pink Floyd wrote songs about psychology they might call themselves Pink Freud.
Because of my techie backgroup, people think I should be writing hard science fiction instead of easy science fiction.
I like strong female characters so I wrote a story about a punk with piercings and studs who gets to show her metal.
When asked about killing a main character I explained that in my high fantasy novel a dragon killed a main character by stepping on him. That caused quite a splash in my writers group.
If a werewolf transforms at every full moon, what happens when it goes to a nudist colony?
When writing poetry recently I called for co-writers since I was looking for partners in rhyme.
One of the members of our online writers group was using his cell phone outside in the wind so I asked if he was reading his first draft.
I'm working on a story about things man was not meant to know, so I made the main character a woman.
Did you hear about the DJ fired for continuing to play dead when the audience grew tired of listening to the Grateful Dead?
When people me for ask for my cell number, I reply the warden and the guards don't allow prisoners to give out their cell numbers.
Frankenstein was a real cutup.
If J.R.R. Tolkien was a fan of thrillers, instead of writing The Hobbit he might have written the Beorn Identity.
Someone suggested I write about a case of evil. I wasn't inspired by the suggetion so I only wrote about a six-pack of evil.
Someone suggested I write about a case of evil. Since I wasn't convinced this would be the right move for me, I instead decided to write about a six-pack of evil.
I'm currently writing about a character who is so dumb that he must be a Homer Sapien.
I'm working on a story about a pyromanic I'm calling "A Perfect Match."
I was writing a psychological horror story when I realized I'd developed writers Bloch.
How can I stop selling myself short when everyone I know is taller that me?
Science fiction writers make clothing from the fabric of the universe.
In honor of the season I'm currently working on a heartwrenching Christmas story about a group of women who get together for the holiday. It's called "Slay Belles."
The best way to avoid spoiling children is to take them out of the oven when they're done.
I have the courage of my convictions, and I've never been convicted of any crimes.
At a recent writing panel on inspiration, I mentioned that my muse needs to be amusing.
After the most recent holiday lockdown orders, Hannibal Lecter was overheard saying that nobody could tell him many people he could have for Thanksgiving.
I was talking with some friends about school so I just had to brag about being in the top 100% of my class.
Why is dating like writing? Because of the try fail cycle.
When I'm asked where I get my ideas from, I explain that I open a web browser and go site seeing.
My writing group is trying to get a romance writer to take a stab at writing a murder mystery.
Did you hear about the girl that ended her relationship and all the ex-boyfriend could say was "What do you mean breaking up? I've still got 4 bars?"
How do I create compelling characters? I compel my characters to do what I want by threatening them. No happy ending or sequel for you if you don't obey your creator.
How do I create compelling characters? I like compelling characters by pointing guns at their heads.
If H.P. Lovecraft wrote stories about dissolute men, he might have written The Dunwich Whorer.
Does watering a fake plant count as gardening?
I don't understand when people say my zombie stories need fleshing out.
A member of my writing group had written a zombie story that I thought needed fleshing out.
We were discussing if there are three nights or a single night of the full moon when a werewolf changes. I concluded that depends on whether they are traditional or reform moonies.
I can't hold a grudge because it slips through my fingers too easily.
When people ask why I write humorous science fiction and fantasy, I explain that my reality check bounced.
Why settle for a cookie cutter villain when you can have a throat slitting villain.
One of the writers in our group described the antagonist as a cookie cutter villain. I though a throat cutting villain would be more appropriate.
One of the writers in our group described an alien that roared when surprised. I wondered if that was a Rorschach.
At our writers group, one of our members is writing a Young Adult novel during a pandemic. I suggested the tagline should be "The Summer Of Glove."
When a writer in our group mentioned his villain was plotting to commit pure evil, I asked if that was anything like Purina.
On my moring walk this morning some people complimented me on my fast pace. I replied. "Some writers walk for inspiration. I walk for perspiration,"
At my recent writers group meeting, the presenter ended his chapter with a fist fight. I always love a good punchline.
When I annoy my bald friends, I tell them I'll be out of their hair in a moment.
At my writers group, we critiqued a story about a boxer. I suggested the writer needed to punch up his story.
Considering how many cigarette butts I found planted in my lawn after the contractor left, I think he's hoping for a cigarette tree.
Writers need a thick skin to face critiques. The Hannibal Lecter technique may not work for everyone.
I was sitting in the dental chair about to have a cavity filled when the dentist walked in and said, "Lean back and relax. you know the drill."
The presenter at my writers group ended the recap of her last chapter with two characters sucking on each others toes. I just had to comment that was the weirdest footnote I'd ever heard.
At a recent writing group meeting someone mentioned how much research she needed for her historical novel. So I mentioned that is why I write hysterical rather than historical novels.
I was at a client the other day when one of the staff asked to have her photo taken with me in my mask. I don't understand why everyone laughed when I asked if I should smile for the camera.
I was watching a movie the other day when I realized that if Hollywood treated violence the same way they treated sex, then loading the gun would be foreplay and they would never show penetration.
I was straddling the dashed white line while driving the other day and couldn't understand why everyone was honking at me. I was only practicing social distancing.
Now that California has decided to lift the ban on plastic bags, it is more important than ever that we do our part to save the environment. I've started recycling uncancelled postage stamps.
If enthusiasm is contagious, that explains why people get sick of me.
When I have been caught wearing a suit and tie, people have told me that I look distinguished. The rest of the time they tell me I look extinguished.
Apple is coming out with a customizable electronic personal assistant. The first release is one designed for mad scientists. It's called the iGor.
Laughter disarms people quicker than a man wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw.
The other day I saw a police pickup truck towing a horse trailer with bars over the windows and wondered what crimes the horses had committed.
Why did the IRS select April 15 (the same day the Titanic sunk) as the filing deadline for personal tax returns? As a reminder of the power of the IRS.
Those of you who have seen me at an event with microphones in hand or behind a mixing board know why I sound off.
When I was younger and good looking, I used to turn heads. Now that I'm older, all I do is turn stomachs and sometimes turn a phrase.
Did you hear about the lady who broke up with her boyfriend at the shooting range because she didn't want to miss him?
I've never been called a live wire because my 5'6" height makes me look more like a short circuit.
You shouldn't interrupt me when I'm speaking because my train of thought will get derailed.
The other night after they left the stage, the guitarist of the band I had recorded asked me, "Do you think you got any blackmail material tonight?" I responded, "I hope so. The extra money would be nice."
I was at the L.A. Festival of books all weekend. I knew I was tired by the end because while I started with a running nose, by the end of the weekend it was a slow stroll.
When a man has sex with a woman in his dreams, that's a wet dream. If a man is rejected by a women in his dreams is that a dry dream?
At my birthday party recently I was horrified to hear everyone chanting "go towards the light." It didn't make me feel any better when I turned around to see a birthday cake with a massive number of candles on it.
Q: Did you hear about the marijuana activist who wanted to give politicians joints?
A: He changed his mind when he realized nothing good could come from giving dope to dopes.
This morning I was listening to my answering machine replaying a telemarketer's call that ended with asking if I wanted to be placed on their do not call list.
That's a great idea, but I don't think it goes far enough. We also need a: do not steal my car list, do not burglarize my house list, and do not rob me list.
Q: Did you hear about the new funeral home advertising campaign?
A: Their new mottos is "Remains To Be Seen."
Q: Did you hear about the drugged out criminal who committed a series of bizarre crimes?
A: The police spokesman explained there was a Meth Head to the madness.
Q: What do you call a prostitute bitten by the walking dead?
A: A fucking zombie.
I don't understand why my gun club got upset when I asked for a trigger warning.
The world is so unfair. It's not like I'm asking for much. All I want is for the next person who robs me at gunpoint to give me a trigger warning.
I think my laptop is a druggie. It's sluggish all the time, and whenever I turn away for a moment I find that it is getting loaded or loading or something.
I was encountering some difficulty while driving the other day so I pulled into my mechanic to find out what the problem was. He suggested I retire. I was running low on treads.
Two stoners were standing around talking after dropping acid. The first stoner asked, "What's taking so long for this high to kick in?" The second stoner replied, "The rush is coming, the rush is coming."
When I got home from running errands the other day I noticed a couple of cigarette butts in the bed of my pickup truck. I was really hauling ash.
I was pulling my clothes from the washer the other day and noticed a few coins in the bottom. I guess I was laundering money.
I have a face made for radio and a voice made for silent movies.
I must have a sense of humor because I laugh whenever I look in the mirror.
When writers in my critique group ask me for feedback, I ask them to wait while I move the microphone closer to the PA speaker.
One of the ways writing short stories prepares you for writing novels is that in the time it takes to write a novel, you can collect a fist full of rejection slips.
At a recent conference, we were told to write what we know.
Since I write science fiction that means I'm a space cadet.
Except when I'm writing fan fiction set on the planet Arrakis in Frank Herbert's Dune series in which case I'm a spice cadet.
Since everything I write is humorous, someone suggested I might be happier as a standup comic. I disagree. I prefer being a sitdown comic.
I like writing science fiction and fantasy because I get to disemvowel the names of alien creatures and species.
This is a joke for writers who have some knowledge of boats.
At a recent writers group meeting it took me a while to understand why they were complaining about head hopping in a story about a pair of sailors with diarrhea.
Now that I've had a collection of my humorous science fiction and fantasy short stories published I'm working on three novels. High fantasy, low fantasy, and no fantasy.
At a recent writers group meeting we were talking about the definition of high fantasy and low fantasy. Since I'm working on both, I had to comment that now they know how low I would go.
Working with an editor is a matter of give and take. I give money and I take advice.
I was on a panel at a writing conference recently and one of the writers was saying he couldn't get blood from a stone. I explained to him that he was probably using the wrong magical spell.
The resident horror writer in my writing group was telling everyone about a description that he thought flattered him. I thought splattered was a more appropriate word.
I was dealing with a runny nose while watching a movie featuring a femme fatale and immediately wondered about phlegm fatalities.
I'm considering writing a story that takes place in Egypt because I want to have a character who has mummy issues.
The army builds men. Just ask the head of our medical division, Dr. Frankenstein.
If Carrie has gym class in the morning, then isn't that her first period?
The next time Hannibal Lecter makes people stew, would he use Clarice's pieces?
Has Hannibal Lecter ever done anything that required him to save face?
Have you ever wondered what would Norman Bates do for Mother's Day?
END OF DOCUMENT
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